Below is a list of many weird and wacky things, so enjoy reading them.  One small word of warning though make sure you have plenty of time before you start reading as it fills 17 pages in a word document!  So happy reading.

Reasons to Upgrade your PC1.

Your graphics accelerator card is connected to the treadmill in your hamsters cage.2. The smoke and fumes from your CPU are beginning to affect your health.3. The only sound you get from your sound card is  "cough, cough.. .wheeze"4. The magnifying glass in front of your tiny monitor is starting to melt the plastic casing.5. You attempt to connect to a site with graphics and your modem displays a pop-up window saying "You're kidding, right?"6. The start button on your Windows 98 taskbar says "Attempt to Start"7. You find yourself drilling holes in your floor or desktop to hold your computer in place while it's running.8. Your idea of multimedia is turning on the stereo in the next room.9. Your email comes back with postage due.10. You have to "crankstart" it like an old model "T".

REAL Beer Warnings...WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your arse at the office Christmas party.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your underwear anyway.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".Sports that never made the olympics1. Motorcycle Demolition Derby2. Javelin Catching3. Battle-Until-Death Tiddley-Winks4. Porcupine Wrestling5. Long Distance Spitting6. Underwater Parachuting7. Skunk Hunting8. High-Decibel Farting9. Nude Ice Hockey10. Tree Growth Racing11. Paint Drying.12. Female Sumo Wrestling13. Midget Throwing.14. Synchronised Drowning.15. War.AnagramsDormitory... Dirty RoomEvangelist... Evil's AgentDesperation... A Rope Ends ItThe Morse Code... Here Come DotsSlot Machines...Cash Lost in 'emAnimosity... Is No AmityMother-in-law... Woman HitlerSnooze Alarms.. -Alas! No More Z'sAlec Guinness.. .Genuine ClassSemolina... Is No MealThe Public Art Galleries... Large Picture Halls, I BetA Decimal Point... I'm a Dot in PlaceThe Earthquakes... That Queer ShakeEleven plus two... Twelve plus oneContradiction... Accord not in itGeorge Herbert Walker Bush... -Huge Berserk RebelWarthogGeorge Bush... He bugs GoreRonald Wilson Reagan... A long-insane WarlordRonald Wilson Reagan ...Insane Anglo warlordRonald Reagan... -A darn long eraMargaret Thatcher...That great charmer

How to annoy someone

Constantly sing the Batman ThemeWrite the surprise ending to a novel on the first page.Specify your drive-thru order as "to go".Refuse to be seated at a restaurant.ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.Steal lots of traffic cones and re-route whole streets.Pay for everything with pennies.Demand to be called "Arch Duke".Look over somebodys shoulder mumbling, when they are reading a book.Finish the "99 bottles of beer" song.Pretend your computers mouse is a moble phone, and talk to it.Pretend your pet mouse is a mobile phone and talk to it.Ask people what gender they are.Reply to every answer with a question.Forget the punchline of a really long joke.Tell a joke teller the punchline of a joke, just before they say it.Sculpt hedges into erotic shapes.Lie obviously about trivial things, like the time of the day.Sit in the street and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.Hav a picnic in a road.Signal the end of a converstation by clasping your hands over your ears.Sing along really loudly at the Opera.Chew pens that you borrow.Shount random numbers while someone is counting.Tell people walking down one way streets that they are going the wrong way.Drum on every available surface.

37 Things to do in a lift

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.Make the sound of the doors in Star Trek whenever the lift doors open and closeShave.Get out of the elevator at every floor and say "Oops" and get back in.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.Wear yours upside-down.Walk on with a ice box that says 'Human head' on the side.Anounce that you have a highly contagious deseaseLeave a box between the doors at every floor you stop at.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.Start a sing-a-long.Shadow box.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'Wear 'X-RAY SPECS' and leer suggestively at other passengers.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.Frown and mutter 'Gotta go, gotta go', then sigh and say 'Oops!'On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.Shout "Chocs away!" whenever the elevator descends.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.Spontaneously combustOpen your bag, peer inside, and whisper loudly "Got enough air in there?"When arriving at a floor, try to force open the doors, then look really embarrassed when they open by themselves.Warmly shake the hands of everyone in the lift, and ask them to call you Admiral.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, shut up, damn it, all of you SHUT UP!"Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while then announce proudly "I've got new socks on!"Meow, occasionally.Bet the other passengers that you can fit a penny up your nose.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the lift.Wear a glove puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.When the lift is silent, look around and ask "Is that your mobile phone?"Say "Ding" at each floor.Say "I wonder what these do?" and push all the buttons.Listen to the walls with a stethoscope.Draw a little chalk square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "Personal space"Anounce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body"Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.Fart the National Anthem.

Funny Names

Al CoholicAlbert HallAlec AralloverAndon MinobAnna DapterArt EstesBob BingBob DowneBen DoanBen DoverBen DowneBetty WillBetty WoantClaud BallsConnie LingusCraven CoxCraven MoreheadDee LitedDee FrockedDee TourDen VerrDick HertzDick SwettDougie StyleEileen DoverElla VerlayEric ShawnEverard BonerFrank N. FurterGerry ActrickHarry CoxHarry ParatestesHomer SexualHo Lin wunHolly BerrieHugh JardonHugh JarsHugh JanusHugh JorganIda DownIona BushIsla WhyteIvor BiggunIva SoreassIvan YakenovIvana BychakokovIvana TinkleJack HoffJack MehoffJenny TallsJustin CideJustin CaseJustin TimeLars HoleLucy LasticMajor BumsoreMike HuntNiel DownePat MycockPeter GaziniaPhil McCavityPhil McCrackenPhil McRotchPhil O'SophyPhilip McCrevicePogo StickRea entryRhoda AllnightSeymour ButtsWill E. Orwontee

Definitions of Stupidity

He was born spring-loaded in the Dumb position 3K RAM free, no EMS. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couplet short of a sonnet. A day late and a dollar short. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder. A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case. A few bombs/melons short of a full load. A few bricks short of a wall / hod. A few clowns short of a circus. A few french fries short of a Happy Meal. A few open splices. A few peas short of a casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few spoons short of a full set. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flower short of an arrangement. A flying buttress short of a cathedral. A handle short of a suitcase. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A little light in his loafers. A looney tune. A mental midget. -- Moe Howard (?) A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pane short of a window. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A quart low. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ. A semitone flat on the high notes. A signature short of a book. A sleeve/button short of a shirt. A span short of a bridge. A square with only three sides. A teabag short of a pot. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A tower short of a castle. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A wind-up clock without a key. Airhead / bubble-brain. All booster, no payload. All crown, no filling. All hammer, no nail. All hat and no cattle. All his eggs in the same basket. All missile, no warhead. All shot, no powder. All the lights don't shine in her marquis. All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty/ caulking / saran wrap. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. All wax and no wick. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. An 8080 in a 68000 environment. An Apple //e on UUCP. An ego like a black hole. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. Ano-fossal ambiguity (can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground). Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As happy as if he had brains. As quick as a corpse. As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / bowl of Jello, and twice as smart. As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as bait. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As thick as two short planks. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Bad spot on the disk. Bats in the belfry. Batteries not included. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been playing with his wand too much. Been playing with the pharmacy section again. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using her head as a mass driver. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head. Born a day late and like that ever since. Born ugly and built to last. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. Bright as Alaska in December. Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply. Bubbles in her think tank. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/bloodhound (in a locked closet). Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Carries a tire gauge in her purse. Cauliflower for brains. Charming as a carbuncle. Cheezwiz for brains. Chimney's clogged. Clock doesn't have all its numbers. Collects cards for Craig. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins. Contributes to the population problem. Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.) Cranio-rectally inverted. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Defective hard drive / boot sector. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas. Does aerobics... in his head. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a  hammock. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter. Doesn't have both oars in the water. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate. Donated her body to science... before she was done using it. Downhill skiing in Iowa. Driving with two wheels in the sand. Dropped his second stage too soon. Dumb as asphalt / a stump / a sack of hammers. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. Echoes between the ears. Eight pawns short of a gambit. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open. End of season sale at the cerebral department.  Gareth Blackstock Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun /cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. Flaky. Flying/landing on one engine. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Four cents short of a nickel. Fruity as a nutcake. Full throttle, dry tank. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench. Gets hypnotized on the despun section. Goalie for the dart team. Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference. Gyros are loose. Had a head crash. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. Has a few wait states. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has a leak in his ceiling. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Has a slow clock. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has no discretionary intellect. Has no upper stage. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent". Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. Has the brains of a house plant. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He's diagnosable. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's so dense, light bends around him. Her ass is sucking swamp gas. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes. Her dialing thumb must be broken. Her memory is truly random-access. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes. Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier. Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now. Her synapses are about |that| far apart. Her tires are a little low. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His buffer is full. His elevator is stuck between floors. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His head whistles in a cross wind. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero". His puzzle is missing a few pieces. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon. His system administrator is never in. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / the wax out of her ears. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. In need of a ROM upgrade. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. Infinite space between her ears. Informationally deprived. Inspected by #13. Intellectually challenged. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age. Isn't carrying a full set of golf clubs. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Just another flash in the bedpan. Knitting with only one needle. Leaky sunroof. Left hand threaded. Left his booster on the launch pad. Left the store without all of his groceries. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King. Lights are on but nobody's home. Lights not burning too bright. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Mind like a steel sieve. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice/ nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist ina vacuum. Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No wind in her mind's windmills. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us. Not enough brains cells for the Prozac to be effective. Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain (like a 60's flower child). Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. Not hard-docked. Not inflated to 90 PSI. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck(-- not even in the game). Not running on full thrusters. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. Not the full quid. Not the same since they took him off his medication. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not worth pissin' on. Not wrapped too tight. Nothing between the stethoscopes. Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.) Nutty as a fruitcake. Off his rocker. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. On the batting end of a no-hitter. One bit short of a byte. One board short of a porch. One boot stuck in the sand. One bun/donut short of a dozen. One card/marble shy of a full deck. One drop short of an empty bladder. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl. One hot pepper short of an enchilada. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey. One of the early failures of electroshock    therapy. One sentence short of a paragraph. One shade short of a rainbow. One shingle shy of a roof. One ship short of a full fleet. One side short of a pentagon. One snowflake short of a ski slope. One step short of the attic. One taco short of a combination plate. One tree short of a hammock. One weight short of a shipwreck. Only one oar in the water. Only playing with 51 cards. Only playing with the jokers. Operating in stand-by mode. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead. Out there where the buses don't run. Over the rainbow. Overruns above 110 baud. Paged/swapped out. Paralyzed from the neck up. Parked his head and forgot where he left it. Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere. Permanently out to lunch. Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us. Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground. Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces. Playing baseball with a rubber bat. Playing hockey with a warped puck. Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building. Plays pinochle with a poker deck. Plays solitaire... for cash. Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging. Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society. Receiver is off the hook. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. Reset line is glitching. Result of a first cousin marriage. Room for rent, unfurnished. RS232C brain with a DIN connector. Running at 300 baud. Running on empty. Running U.S. appliances on British current. Runs squares around the competition. Rusty springs in the mousetrap. S p a c e d o u t . Sailboat fuel for brains. Sat under the ozone hole too long. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way. Several nuts short of a full pouch. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem. Short a few cards. Short-circuited between the earphones. Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing. Single-sided, low density. Skating on the wrong side of the ice. Skylight leaks a little. Slept too close to his radium-dial watch. Slinky's kinked. Sloppy as a soup sandwich. Slow as molasses in January. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. So boring, his dreams have Muzak. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight. So dumb, he faxes face up. So fat, people jump over him rather than go around. So slow he has to speed up to stop. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards. Some bugs in his software. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Some pages missing. Someone blew out his pilot light. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy. Someone let the air out of her lock. Sort of like an inverse Einstein. Source code is missing a few lines. Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult). Strong like bull, smart like streetcar. Subtle as a well-thrown brick. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. Surfing in Nebraska. Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Switch is on, but no one's receiving. Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. The best part of him ran down his mother's legs.  Jackie Gleason The butter slipped off his noodle. The cheese slid off his cracker. The fan is working but the freon's leaked out. The going got weird, and he turned pro. The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot. The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen Thick as a brick. Thinks at 5 baud. Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms. Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star. thinks in lower case and types accordingly Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch. Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease. Three chickens short of a henhouse. Too many birds on her antenna. Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Top paddock is full of rocks. Toys in the attic. Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station. Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind. Trying out for the javelin retrieval team. Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna. Two bits shy of a word. Two chapters short of a novel. Two degrees off square. Two inches taller than spherical. Two saucers short of a tea-service. Two sheep short of a sweater. Two socks short of a pair. Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit). Ugly as a warthog and half as smart. Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart. Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt. Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog. Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck. Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks. Vacancy on the top floor. Vertically-fornicated mind. Was born an acrobat but landed on his head. Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts. Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been. Wasn't strapped in during launch. Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary. Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench. With one more neuron he'd have a synapse. Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook. Zero K memory.

107 Reasons why Beer are better than Women1.

You can enjoy a BEER all month.2. BEER stains wash out.3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.6. BEER is never late.7. HANGOVERS go away.8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.9. BEER labels come off without a fight.10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.11. BEER never has a headache.12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER your breath.14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.17. You can share a BEER with your friends.18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.19. A BEER is always wet.20. BEER doesn't demand equality.21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.22. You can have a BEER in public.23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.32. BEER looks the same in the morning.33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.36. BEER doesn't get cramps.37. BEER doesn't have a mother.38. BEER doesn't have morals.39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.40. BEER always listens and never argues.41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.44. BEER doesn't demand legality.45. BEER is never overweight.46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.53. BEER never changes its mind.54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.55. BEER never asks you to change the station.56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.59. BEER is always easy to pick up.60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.62. BEER NEVER says no.63. BEER is easy to get into.64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.71. BEER doesn't blow you off.72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.74. BEER doesn't mind football season.75. A BEER won't make you go to church.76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around  BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.95. BEER tastes *good*.96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.

Evening ClassesAll male classes are prepared and presented by women, and all female classes are prepared and presented by men.

Classes for men

1. Combating stupidity2. You, too, can do housework3. PMS -- learn when to keep your mouth shut4. How to fill an icetray5. We do not want sleazy underthings for X-mas  give us money6. Understanding the female response to your coming home drunk at 4.00 am.7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")8. Parenting -- no, it doesn't end with conception9. How To Not Act Like An Ass When You Are Obviously Wrong10. Get a life -- learn how to cook11. Spelling -- Even when you can get it right12. Understanding your financial incompetence13. You -- The Weaker Sex14. Reasons to give flowers15. How to stay awake after sex16. Why it's unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom17. Garbage -- getting it to the curb18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try19. The morning dilemma if "it" is awake. Take a shower20. I'll wear it if I damn well please21. How to put the toilet lid down (formally "no, it's not a bidet")22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuse are bullshit24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people too29. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children30. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home31. You too can be a designated driver32. Seeing the true you (formally "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked")33. Changing your underwear -- It really works34. The attainable goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary35. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary36. Techniques for calling home

Classes for Women

1. Are you ready to leave -- Definitions of the word "Yes"2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formally "Honey, do I look fat in this?")3. Elementary Map Reading4. Crying and Law Enforcement5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Programming your VCR6. Yes, you can go shopping less than 4 hours7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast8. The Seven-Outfit Week9. PMS -- It's YOUR problem, Not Mine (was: "It's happened Monthly since puberty -- Deal with it!")10. Driving 101: Getting past the automatic transmission11. Driving 102: The meaning of blinking red lights12. Driving 301: Approximating a constant speed13. Driving 401: Makeup and Driving -- It's as simple as Oil and Water14. The Super Bowl: Not a game -- A Sacrament15. Telephone translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")16. How to earn your own money17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: "Fabric bad - Electronics good")18. Putting the Seat down by yourself. Potential Energy is on your Side19. Know When to say when -- The Limits of Makeup20. Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry21. We forget birthdays, you forget sport starts: LET'S DROP IT!22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's arguments23. Yes, You can Buy Condoms (was "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels25. What goes around comes around -- Why his creditcard is not a toy26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out28. Commitment Schmittment (was: "Wedlock Schmedlock)29. "To Honor and Obey": Remembering the small print above "I Do"30. Why your mother is not welcome in the house31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man-child, healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?32. Combating The Impulse To Nag33. You Can Change The Oil Too34. How To Fill A Beer Mug35. Understanding The Female Causes To Male Drunkenness36. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football37. Parenting -- You Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around38. How Not To Sob When Your Husband Is Right39. You, The Wining Sex40. How To Stay Awake During Sex41. Why It's Unacceptable To Talk About Placentas During Breakfast42. How To Close The Garagedoor43. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation44. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous45. Romanticism -- The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles and Conversation46. Putting On Something Sexy -- Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain47. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother48. You Can Too Carry A Backpack49. Honey, My Eyes Are Closed Because Of The Passion I Feel20 Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex1. You can GET chocolate easily.2. "If you love me you swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.3. You can safely have chocolate while you're driving.4. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during workhours without upsetting your workmates.11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.16. Good chocolate is easy to find.17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.18. You are never too old or too young for chocolate.19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.20. With chocolate size doesn't matter - it's always good.

22 Things to do on an aeroplane

Wear a jacket that says Bomb Squad on the back Say to the person next to you " whats that ticking sound??"Ask the stewardess if you can order pizzaAsk the stewardess if you can have some tape and when she asks why say " its for my device"Sit in the crash position and when some asks you what you are doing say, " waiting Pretend to be in a B-17 and shoot at enemy planes out your windowStare at the Arabian passengers as if they are terroristsScream out " who is that on the wing " every 5 minutesBowl in the aisleHave a flag football gameSay that your side of the plane is better than the other side and intimidate the other sideSay " whats this lever for " and pull itAsk the stewardess if you can walk your dogFake a heart attack repeat this every 10 minutesGo into the cockpit and say " where are all the cocks?? " and run awayGo to the pilot and say that guy with the machine gun looks suspiciousWhen the pilot says turn off all electrical appliances scream " hows my bomb gonna work now?? "Act out the safety instructionsGet into a fight with inflatable deviceTalk about how good value jet isPass a paper around the plane that says " theres a bomb under your seat "Read magazines that show you how to make bombs and laugh in an evil way